In part one I confessed the Draconian measures I used to punish my son. errrr...the kid who would have been my son if I was allowed to talk about him.
I can't leave out how hard we made him work all his life.
When I was a child, my dad owned a meat shop in Findlay Market down in Over-the-Rhine. As soon as my brothers, sister, and I were tall enough to see over the counter, we were put to work. We stood on concrete all day, waiting on customers, wrapping packages, preparing meat for display, and cleaning pans and equipment. On Saturdays, "all day" meant 5:00 a.m. until 7:00 p.m. My dad was the kind of boss you'd see on a reality t.v. show called "Demon Bosses from the Bowels of Hell". He wasn't actually nice to any of his employees but he felt especially free to scream criticisms at his family. After all. we couldn't quit.
I believe that chores are an important part of growing up and becoming a responsible adult. I also believe that children should contribute to the overall welfare of the family as much as they are able. But since my son only spent about two non-sleeping hours per day during the week and Saturday afternoons and Sundays at home, I didn't think it was fair to expect him to do housework and yard work. Instead, in the tradition of helping out with the family business that I was raised with, once he got his black belt, he had to help with karate classes.
He didn't help all night long, just with certain classes that needed more staff or to help out a student who was struggling or learning something new. In other words, it didn't take up a significant amount of his week. I didn't pay him like an instructor. I paid him like a child doing chores. He claims he got $1/class. I'm pretty sure it was more than that, but it wasn't a whole lot more. Unlike when I worked for my family, he got to keep it all. I didn't expect him to buy his own toys or clothes or pay for his own entertainment.
His indignation over this forced labor at slave wages became apparent recently when my 8 year old grandson started "working" for us. This came about because said grandson wanted and ipod touch or something and his mother insisted he earn it. He came up with the brilliant plan of helping Oji (grandpa) at the dojo.
Knowing that both his daughter and his wife would strenuously and painfully object if he simply gave the kid the money or went out and bought him the device, he hired him to help with our classes for 4-6 year olds for $3/class. While this doesn't sound like much, the classes are only a half hour and in his case, "helping" involves watching the kids and pointing to the proper foot if they were standing the wrong way, holding bags for them to hit, and helping them put their pads on for sparring. My husband was so tickled at how hard he was working that at week two he gave him a $2/class raise.
My stepdaughter just rolled her eyes and shook her head but my son was outraged. I had to explain to him that he was doing chores back then. That we don't make grandchildren do chores because they don't live with us and aren't paying for their upkeep. And that his father wasn't allowed to just give the grandson the money straight out, so at least he made him do something semi-responsible for it. I think he was mollified but I'm not sure. He still doesn't think it's fair but I assured him that his father will ridiculously indulge his kids, too when he has them. I call it incentive.
I've had to have this conversation with him a few times. When he was 18, graduated from high school, and still living at home, he still didn't have a job outside of the family business. We paid him significantly more than when he was a child, but in his view it wasn't enough. I had to make a list of all the household expenses - mortgage, utilities, insurance, food, etc. and told him that as an adult roommate, he should be paying 1/3. When I added it all up with what I was paying him in cash, I realized I was paying him too much. I considered asking for a refund, but he was already offended enough.
Eventually we helped him open up his own business. He has worked hard and made it grow every year, even during one of the worst recessions in the country's history. He bought his own house before he turned 23 and has started a retirement fund. I'm super proud of him.
Maybe I did something right.
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