Remember when we were first learning about sex and realized that our parents must have had sex at least often enough for us to be born? And how grossed out we were at the idea?
As bad as the idea and resulting visual of our parents doing it was, there is something far worse....the idea of our kids doing it.
I first realized just how disturbing this thought can be when my stepson was ranting about his sister's boyfriend. I don't even remember the situation. I just remember putting two and two together and coming up with EWWWWW! You mean this sweet, innocent child is having...EWWWWWW!!!!!
It was even worse with my own. He'll be 26 on Saturday. It's not that I wanted him to be a 40 year old virgin. And despite my Catholic upbringing, I've never been particularly anti-premarital sex. Until it came to him. When he was in the 5th grade and taking sex ed, I carefully explained to him that if he had sex before he was married he would go to jail. He believed me for awhile. I don't know who gave him the real scoop but I had to wonder at the time why he was researching the topic. I mean, was he trying to find out how long he'd end up in jail? Was he trying to see if it was worth the risk, or what?
As a mom who was a teen in the late 70's/early 80's (nuff said), it was hard to know how much info about my experiences to share as I was trying to prepare him for life and help him avoid heartache. I didn't want to be like my parents (don't do it ever or you will burn in hell for eternity!) nor did I want to give him too much unnecessary info lest he feel like he had to outdo me. Was there a middle ground? Did I do a Bill Clinton? (I WAS around marijuana, but I never inhaled.) or did I just pretend to be naive about such things and avoid the topic all together?
If you know me at all, you are probably thinking already that the last was not an option.
I settled for the speech - "I'm totally not saying you should have sex before you get married. or even after, but if you do, make sure to use a condom." I told him this so often that one day he looked at me in exasperation and said, "Mom! How often do you have to tell me this???" I looked back at him and answered, "I've been telling you to wear a seatbelt for 18 years and you still don't always do it." He thought about that for a second, conceded that I was right, and just rolled his eyes at me when I'd start up again.
I don't know when my son lost his virginity or who it was with. All I know is that one day my brother, sister, and I were making a joke about relationships, forgetting that my son was in the room, and he laughed knowingly. We all three looked at him and I asked, "how do you know?" When he just shrugged I knew the truth - and immediately suppressed it.
He has been living with his girlfriend for over 4 years now. Three years in his house, one in their apartment, and an unknown amount of time when he had her hidden in our basement. I suspect that their relationship is a physical one, but I don't really want to know for sure.
Today I was cleaning out a drawer in his old room. He told me there was nothing important in there and to just throw everything away. We have different ideas of important. There were pictures of him, his old medals from when he won Nationals in Karate, a couple of tools, and lot's of loose change.
And a condom. It was still wrapped, so perhaps he was saving it "just in case". But it was in a drawer, so in case of what? Was he doing it in our very house? ok, I just felt the blood rush to my head.
It's just an odd feeling. I look at him and see a man, but I also see the infant I held in my arms, the toddler walking behind the toy lawnmower, the 4 year old hiding behind me at the dinosaur exhibit, and the young kid competing in his first National competition. I only had a few short years to teach him everything I knew to help him be safe, happy, and successful.
I guess a condom in a drawer is a sign he got at least some of the message.
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